I really love chilli.

That's good because I cook it once a week and this summer I will be cultivating over half a dozen varieties of the little beauties..

Many will be hot but I look forward to the fearsome Dorset Naga and the faces of my victim/guests when they sample its fruit.

My love affair with chilli began a long time ago and far away , this somewhat captures the feelings.

Chilli Judge

by

W.Bruce Cameron

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?

This parable of ill judged gastronomy was written by W. Bruce Cameron.

Mongo like beans, I thought I heard...

Hears the deal. I sat down to watch Blazing Saddles last night intent on reliving an unpleasantly funny experience.By that I mean one of those times you laughed so hard stuff went up your nose.While you fought for breath you attempted not to break your own ribs as the next gag hit you. And the tears came to your eyes because oxygen levels had dropped dangerously low.

Well I was in the zone, this time around I was getting a funnybone overload ,with pride I appreciated the inside jokes like using the opening bars of "Springtime ( for Hitler and Germany) to introduce the teutonic temptress Lili Von Schtupp. Joy.

Anticipation was ripe. Again I was in the near deserted fleapit choking on my american hard gums with the lads in my class on an endless summer evening made special by being underage.

Then we pan right across the barbed wire to a supper scene that lasts long in the memory and on the wind.

Mel Brooks was a champion of this gem to his studio's chagrin but it was the world's longest flatulence themed movie scene of its time and certainly broke the windy mold.

But it didn't include "mongo like beans". It's a line I have quoted a thousand times in supermarkets, fine dining establishments and around the BBQ to the great merriment of those gathered. Or just my brother.

What have I done? Did it really happen ? Did I imagine it? Did it naturally evolve after the movie was watched too many times?

In the end it didn't matter that much- Blazing Saddles delivered. Too many lines to choose a favorite and so many lines of taste ridden over.

Mongo just loves beans. And my eyes are burning still.

Weather in a red dress.

Did anyone catch the weather last night on TG4?

I may have been hallucinating but the finest looking woman ever to speak the gaeilge presented the longest weather slot I have ever experienced.

I was mesmerized and not a little disturbed .

As I am sans focal it was as useful as chanel 9 complete with "scorchio" and that torch song to Chris Waddle but I am haunted.

This devil ( pronounced divil ) in a red dress goes by the handle Mairead Ni Chuaig.

Blazing Belfast Breakfast

".....and the egg was cooked through. It was sitting on top of everything else and by the time I got to the egg it was not runny at all. But how did they get those mushrooms so juicy?"

" I don't know and the next time I'm asking for black pudding instead of the fruit."

Its a little known fact but enjoying an Ulster Fry is a religious experience. It's not based on empirical data but involves a bit of faith,a dash of upbringing and a side order of hope.

Hope it won't kill you.

I will endeavor with my fellow greaser, Smokey Bacon, to bring you reviews of our weekly worship at the Houses of Fry.

Piece of tatty bread be with you all.